FATHERING, FATHERHOOD, FATHERS;

In the strictest sense of the word, fathers are males who have sired off-springs. But it is widely accepted that fathers are also those males who have either adopted, or had a hand in raising, influencing, mentoring, guiding children, young adults or even other mature adults. Fathering may be defined as causing a pregnancy, or raising, up a child. Again here, one can be said to be fathering an individual even if he did not create the pregnancy. Fatherhood is the state of being a father, whether by natural biological means or otherwise. Clearly, fathers, fathering and fatherhood are very important in the lives of humans in bringing about balance and equity, in the socialisation process and generally providing a holistic perspective to human development as well as successful, efficient and effective interaction.

I wish to posit that in large measure, fathering, fathers and fatherhood have had a positive influence and achieved the purpose they were designed to. Great numbers of men have walked in that purpose of being that father, fathering and enjoying fatherhood whether they did so for their own heirs or for others who had to missed that influence from their own through death, incarceration, mental health issues or abuse. Many babies, toddlers, young children, teens young adults or even mature adults have been well served from that plate of parenting.

Unfortunately, a large number of others have not been so well privileged. Vast numbers of fathers, mainly biological ones have failed to live up to their responsibilities even when they were not dead, locked away, or have full use of their mental faculties and are not not child-abusers. Many reasons may have contributed to that situation and many stories can be created and told from it as well.

For me, I have had a rather interesting experience from being fathered by my Dad. In many instances I can attest to have been fathered and in others, well, maybe not, or maybe not well fathered. My dad was present in raising me, offered some guidance, albeit in strange circumstances and sometimes among tangles and thorns of abuse, I found elements of influence that today I believe has been positive. Mind you, I am in no way sanctioning abuse by fathers. I vehemently detest the torrents of physical abuse my mother encountered from Daddy, and on occasion what we ourselves had to experience as well. What I am saying is that all the encounters and interactions with him have been teachable moments, although I might not have always realised that then. Surely, there were numerous fun times of being fed by him, enjoying the bread-baking, receiving that treat when he came home because he knew what we liked, and oh, the hugs that daddies give to their children. There was definitely humour in his speeches as well. I learned to show affection to, spend time with my children, propel them forward to excel in school among others. His drunken state and abuse also were instrumental in teaching me what not to accept in a future mate and gave me an aversion towards alcohol use.

So fathers in particular, I urge you to, as much as lieth in you, as far as possible, endeavour to be that father of indomitable strength, positive influence, real substance, spiritual height, moral fortitude, affectionate cords and an all-round man of character in the lives of your child or children. In every stage of their lives, they will need you to be there for them in different ways. Be that shelter, cover, shade, covering, life source, anchor, in the same way as our heavenly father is that for us.

To the would-be, prospective, potential fathers, as hard as it may become, DO NOT give up on your children, DO NOT allow another man to raise your child. Be that father that fathers his off-springs in the garden of fatherhood, where weeds are possible, thorns and thistles are lurking and insects lie hidden. Provide flowing water, nutrients, pruning, chopping, beautification and a peaceful ambience for growth, development and repose.

RHEAL. Her Age. My Age. Our Age. Mothering. Bonding.

Respect, honour, encourage, appreciate, love. Whether as a verb for all the words or additionally, as an abstract noun as in the case of Respect and Honour, they are what we ought to endeavour to do for, and have towards each other. Mothers and Daughters are a special league of individuals, when paired in unison make a formidable force.

Her age, my age, our age; What’s this all about and what has it to do with RHEAL. I celebrated my Fifty-Sixth Birthday on June 10th and was as always super-pumped and excited. Birthdays to me are very significant for a number of reasons. Foremost is that I am allowed another chance to commence another year’s cycle with a renewed mindset, and a positive outlook for having attained a milestone many persons never had the opportunity of experiencing. Additionally, I am allowed that time to do some deep reflection.

My reflection this year has special significance for me on a major front. my mother, Veronique, was always a very hard working woman who tried her best to ensure that her children were taken care of to the best of her ability. Imagine then, at her age, my age, the age of 56yrs, she instructed my brother to not return to Antigua without me. Mind you, this was when I, an excited teen just finishing Secondary School already knew that I either needed to pursue Sixth Form or become employed in the Educational Field. Yet, with packed bags, I heeded the instruction and migrated from the NATURE ISLE to Sunny Antigua. There, my mother, at age 56yrs, my age now, worked hard in other people’s homes to support me financially, spiritually, emotionally and otherwise while I attended the A’LEVELS Dept at the Antigua State College. This for me was a real mothering, motherly sacrifice, a RHEAL Sacrifice of respect honour, encouragement, appreciation and love that I have NEVER forgotten. It signified a bond with deep roots to which I remain attached.

It speaks to me loudly of a mother-daughter bond that must stay intact and teach a lesson of fidelity, support and unending RHEAL. I continue to be RHEAL with Mommy in as many ways possible even if I have my own family. This has transposed into the manner in which my daughter and I interact. And not surprisingly, we have demonstrated that we are both RHEAL with each other.

Additionally, mommy’s devotion to work even as I continued my tertiary education, cemented in me a strong work ethic that is unmatched. In reflecting this year, however, at my age, her age, our age, I am tempered with discernment to realise that one should not allow herself to be disadvantaged. For some reason the people with whom mommy worked failed to pay her dues so that her old-age pension benefits never materialised.

MY RHEAL lives on and I am better for it. I shall be better because of it. FEARLESS, FABULOUS FASHIONABLE FOCUSED FUN FIT FIFTY- SIX. Her age, My age, Our age.

For You! OK?

Not being selfish, arrogant or boastful! Rather, it’s being mindful, responsible and self-appreciative.

You are one of a kind, uniquely created, endowed with special talents, abilities and an intelligent being. You must know that you are responsible for your attitude, your self-care, your development, success and advancement. While the help of others may be necessary, while co-operation with others is vital in completing certain tasks, while positive interaction with others has benefits, ultimately, you hold the reigns in determining your path. Further, you must know that your self-care is up to you. You have to do it for you! Ok? For You!Your joy Cannot, Must Not be placed in another’s hands. Need a bouquet? Calming music? A Special treat? Health & wellness? Do it for yourself! For you! Ok?

You may have lost job, a relationship, loved ones and need the support of others to function more fully. But, but, at the end of the day, when all’s said and done you must appreciate yourself. There is No reason why you should put yourself down. Sure you might have erred, fallen short, but you are Fearfully abd Wonderfully Made! You are a Gem! You Can Rise up and Conquer!

You Must be Mindful of yourself, Responsible for your decisions and Self-appreciative!

Do it for you! Ok!

Oh! Those Men…..lost, tired, savage, hurt, angry, sick, alone, lonely, mean. BTW! They are still human.

My path down Educator’s Avenue has afforded me the opportunity to interact with a large number of male students, more I think think than their female counterparts. Many things have struck me about quite a few of those males.

While some were academically aware and purposed, and would spare no opportunity to get good grades, aim for higher learning, others simply seemed to have no real interest in the system of which they were a part and to which they were attached for a good number of years. Others manged to scrape through , performed admirably in sports, performing and visual arts yet seemed to seriously detest school, would go at lengths to disregard rules or were downright obnoxious to authority. Strange enough the very males when tackled one-on-one, displayed a much different attitude. I cherish the moments I had interacting with so many of those young men, even when we butted heads. What I learned was that many of them carried around huge loads of “Daddy Issues,” “Rejection,” “Feelings of inadequacy,” among other bits of baggage. Often, their issues were cloaked in the anger and frustration they displayed, poor performance, excellence or dexterity in their extra-curricula activities. I was careful to remember to treat them with dignity and respect they deserved as humans.

It is also not co-incidental that I have ten brothers each with his own distinct personality. Additionally, I am aunt to mostly nephews, the mother of two sons, wife and daughter to a dad who was beset by a range of issues, before he took his own life twenty-four years ago. Perhaps being surrounded by so many males impacted my affinity to my male students. I am not certain, but what I am clear about is that I always think about what can be done about the male, why they go down dark paths, remain trapped within themselves, fall away into those huge jagged cracks of society, live on the edge, become marginalised, alcoholics, beggars, homeless, perverts, abusers among other negatives.

I see those who stand tall as role-models, who are humane, Godly, caring and productive. But, but the rest, the “dregs of society,” my heart bleeds for them.

I am always so amazed at the large number of men who make up the homeless and vagrants among us. Why? Where are their families, what has become of their zeal and drive for wholesome living? And the alcoholics and, or, abusers, illiterates? Where did the screw loosen and was never tightened? What was their childhood like, their days as students, if indeed they had that opportunity?

A myriad of unanswered questions keep tumbling from my mind, remain huddled within my core. There’s an inward pain, even now, especially now in 2021 for my students who now appear easy target, as prime prey for becoming lost.

I cherish the main men in my life; my two Princes, my spouse. I hope for my brothers, nephews, my male students. May they be snatched from the abyss that threatens their sensibility.

I still hope for the men out there. Those lost, tired, savage, hurt, angry, sick, alone, mean men. May their graves turn into gardens and their vibes be peaceful. They are Humans!

Memories, Choices, Grace!

Shameful, hurtful, soothing, annoying, uncomfortable, pleasant, romantic, loving, violent, old, recent. They’ve existed and remain somewhere within us. Memories have haunted, enlightened, irritated, calmed, frightened, warmed us at some point.

Very often we’d rather acknowledge the ones that suit our fancies, make us feel good while hoping, wishing that, or wondering how we could obliterate the ones that did not sit well within our spirits or were just too grating to keep. In our quest to either dispel or embrace, we are making a Choice.

Our Choices should hopefully ensure that our best interests are served and that a sense of rest and peace settles within us. It does not always work out that way, since a large number or us may either not be equipped with, or refuse to find the best resolution. On many occasions, some of us prefer to hug, cuddle and nurse memories that should have best been cast into the heap of “burn & destroy.” In other instances we discard fond memories or even fail to learn the lessons they have taught us.

Choices are not always easy to make and sometimes there is a measure of discomfort that comes along with so doing, a tearing up of non-usable, yet “comfy” activities or even a sense of self-condemnation, fear or defeat.

Whatever the memory though, whatever the choice, we must know that Grace exists and is available. Divine Grace is there for redemption. It rises above, it goes beyond and delves deep beneath to allow us the move ahead. We need only take advantage of it honestly, unabashedly and unapologetically! As we come as we are unto Grace’s Throne we can, in the end move forward, gracefully, boldly, confidently and purposefully!

Sometimes some memories will linger and threaten our sense of purpose. We shouldn’t be undaunted. We should, we can, we must remember and know that Grace remains. It is Always Available and Accessible!

Whatever the memory, whatever the choice, Grace! The Garden Vibes embraces Grace. So should you.

What’s your Bottle?

There are many things to be said about a bottle. There are many ways the word “Bottle” has been used to refer to a number of things.

“Bottled Up,” “Broken Bottles,” “Green Bottles Standing on the Wall,” “Baby Bottle,” new and en vogue, “Bottle Art,” and one that I coined, “Dollhead in a Bottle.”

When it’s bottled up it is festering, seething, closed off, hidden, not voiced, often because of the pain it created, timing uncertain for release, uncertainty of how to release. The eventual letting off is sometimes violent, harsh, far-reaching, explosive, sensual and passionate even.

And the broken bottles? They always have pain, blood-shed and hurt attached if one comes into contact with them. Sometimes the effects are long-term causing infection, paralysis maybe, depending on the severity of the effect.

The bottles standing on the wall takes us back to school days and that song, but also alludes to so many missed opportunities that occur due to mishaps.

Ah! And that baby bottle that we latched on to replace our Mom’s breasts. Some of us did not want to part with it although it’s time had passed and we had overgrown it’s effectiveness for our nutrition.

Nowadays, there is a blooming and emerging of creativity with bottle art. It’s the rave and showcases the talents of individuals in new and innovative ways we had hitherto not thought off a few short years ago.

My Dollhead in a bottle demonstrtes the continued zeal and faith that one manifests even when things take a downward turn. I absolutely adored and cherished my dolls as a child. Once when one had her torso dismantled, I saved her by placing her head in a coke bottle. I needed to protect my dollhead.

So you see, bottles have importance, still have relevance and we all have “A Bottle” in our lives. As we sit in the garden, let’s think about what our bottle might be.r

Ours!

The light, gentle, calming, tranquil air like silken fabric on our skin. The serenity and quiet strumming the irrestible cords of peace on our minds. The exquisite, bold, tropical, soft hues and shades etching their intoxicating hold on us. The fiercely, lush, verdant green protecting us in an earthy cathedral. The varied, themes and headings jumping at us from their printed space, magnetises us. We’re in the Garden, getting in on the Vibes.

It’s all ours, the Garden Vibes!

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There’s a Radiance in Maturity!

If you are like me who feel strongly about, have no issues with, and enjoy being a radiant, bright, fabulous, fit, focused, fun and mature individual you will enjoy this Garden Vibe. After all, it’s an honour in the highest regard to have come through life’s horrid experiences, indifferent episodes and exuberant encounters and still enjoy an acceptable measure of emotional intelligence, good health, peaceful aura, candid yet classy outlook, and a number of other positives, usually reserved for a more younger demography. Or so it may be thought.

Life’s curves and detours, roadblocks and shortcuts often have the potential to and sometimes succeed in wearing us pretty thin and ragged. When this does not come to fruition, we are borne on wings of a higher kind. Our mental and emotional response take us cooling, cascading waterfalls cleansing us thoroughly of all negative energies, leaving in its place a renewed soul that is , Yes, Radiant! Mature and Radiant.

Society and gravity in large degree threaten to dictate what our bodies must look like as the chronological numbers rise. Eyes tend to roll, sarcasm. open crassness and demands, echo harsh protocols in our ears, while gravity and even disease or illness hover dangerously in our fields. Our rugged, resolute and bounding trek through Perseverance Forest see us emerging fit, fun-filled and focused and definitely, Radiant! Mature and Radiant!

As youngsters, our naiveté, unbridled zest and sometimes witless arrogance cost us errors we wish could unfortunately be retrenched. Sadly at times, we may dream, mourn, moan and nurse regrets. But with a renewed mindset, we are reborn and birth at the same time, a fiery, yet sensible, confident, boundless, settle-in-oneself person that understands ones needs, knows ones worth, walks in ones shoes. We emerge Radiant! Mature and Radiant!

So the Radiance in Maturity is ripe, lush, bold, nutritiously fulfilling emotionally, mentally, physically and capable of being the envy of many a youth. There is a Radiance in Maturity that fills up the Garden and makes the vibes warm and in spirit and cool in outlook.

Choosing to Challenge: a Woman’s Right!

Ah! International Woman’s Day! Painting the town purple or with varying shades and hues of the same, as we honour and pay respect to women everywhere, the contributions they’ve made, as well as the strides that have emerged to allow women to be offered some dignity.

This year the main thrust or theme is #choosetochallenge and rightly so. It brings to the fore, the need to re-evaluate those numerous stereotypical norms, beliefs and attitudes accrued to women overtime that really do warrant more than just a cursory glance. The multiplicity of those negatives have placed women in very tightly wound knotted balls of limitation, exposure to diabolical plots, disenfranchisements, indeed the loss or minimisation of common human dignity.

For one, the notion that certain careers are not suited for women has been used against them . And even in some instances where women would have cracked that glass ceiling, their efficacy and efficiency has been loudly and under-handedly challenged. in those instances, the tightly knotted ball had become the rule of thumb to determine their ability. Additionally, women have been used as economic bait, as a means to an end for money-grabbing fiends. So they find themselves being paraded as Drug Mules, kidnapped /taken as goods in Human-trafficking rings, extoling the diabolic nature of other humans. Moreso, many women are casually or calculatedly utilised as Sex-Objects, deliberately overlooked for jobs that they are capable of performing, shut down when they air opinions and continually abused in various forms at the hands of their partners, and spouses.

It is with these in mind that the call is echoed. It is a Woman’s Right to Choose to Challenge. We are allowed, obligated, indeed, designated even, to challenge an act that seeks to keep a woman in a backward, subservient, hidden position dictated to her by another human who hold arrogant views about what she is entitled to. In that vein a woman can challenge the view that her method of leadership is too emotional if she might have been bypassed for promotion. She can also challenge archaic laws that do not do enough to protect women from sexual and physical abuse or the slow grinding bureaucratic wheels that are barely activated when a matter is urgent. Indeed a woman can challenge her own long-standing view of what she ought and ought not to tolerate and accept as acceptable for her. She can challenge her own perspectives that were imposed on woman-folk for hundreds of years.

A woman must become in tune with and discerning of ideas, attitudes, behaviours floating around, loosely attached and systematically entrenched in order to make that choice of challenge for her own good, upward ,mobility and positive development. It is her Right! There are no two ways about it. As we don our pastel, lilac, mauve, pink, blush and purple garb today in recognition of International Women’s Day let us #choosetochallenge. This is the vibes from the Garden Today!